Driving

Alas, it's been in excess of four (4) months since my last blog and here I am again. A week ago today I recieved a call from one of my homeboys from back on Birchfield. I talked longer than I ever had with any male outside of my family. We talked for 13 minutes. He said something that stuck with me, "...you wake up and you're 26 and you wonder where the time went." This popped back into my head earlier when I was talking about falling asleep while driving. I fell asleep driving and upon my awakening, I found myself in a new place--unlike any I'd ever seen. I found myself in a new place at a different time and I had no idea how I'd gotten there. I had no idea where I was going so therefore I had no idea how to get to where I was going nor how long it would take. I just buckled up, rolled down the window, turned down the radio and began to enjoy the ride. Now while the majority of this is a metaphor it is the truth. I'm not quite sure as to what my purpose is so I'm just going to enjoy the ride. I'm pretty sure at some point in time I will get a few speeding tickets and at other points I'll realize that I'm either ahead of or behind schedule, but as long as I reach my destination on time that is what is important.

Heroes

What do you want to be when you grow up? This is a question that was asked quite frequently naturally when I was growing up. The question morphed from, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" to "What do you want to be when you graduate college?" My answers morphed from police officer, to NFL player, to rich. My answer has changed again. I'm older, but I'm not grown just yet so I still have some aspirations. I want to be as powerful with the words and cast an intimidating shadow just like Malcolm X did. A man whose rhetoric was just as profound as it was powerful. I want to be powerful with images as Gordon Parks and use visual imagery to show problems in the world while also using the same vessel to show the world's beauty. I want to be as powerful as Jimi Hendrix was with a guitar and microphone. This man's music transformed and transfixed a generation. He added a beautiful sound to the world while elsewhere there was so much being taken away. I want to be as powerful as Lenard Smith, Sr. and Joanne Smith, two individuals whose words of wisdom and encouragement and images of a time just as present today as it was 50 years ago have shaped my life. I can have people that will be heroes and I may eclipse them as far as fame, notoriety, finances, etc. go but I will never be as great as my parents. To endure the struggles of all three of the above mentioned individuals all without the support of the Nation of Islam, Time magazine, and the rest of the Jimi Hendrix Experience. They endured and have shown me a few things about life and its lessons. Lessons which I will without a doubt pass onto my children and my children's children. With Malcolm, Gordon, and Jimi it seemingly took their passing to prove how important they were--I won't make the same mistake. I appreciate my parents more now than ever, it's a shame that it took over 20 years for me to do so. While I can't make up for lost time I can make as powerful an impact on my parents as they have made on me.

Things...

I was born on the first day of March in the year of our Lord 1900 and 80. I am the only boy and I've always wanted brothers. I was the last child my parents had but due to a unique comraderie that is present on Birchfield it was almost as though I had several. Joe, who I charge with being my Spanish/Italian brother. Brandon, who was born a year to the day after me. Mahdi, who is my workout partner and also like a little brother to me. I've helped him with his relationships and bench presses alike. Finally there Ivory. I've known Ivory longer than any of the others and we are welcome in each other's homes just like we live there. I'm getting married in February and only two of them are in the wedding I feel as if I've betrayed the other two.

I'm closer to my friends than I am to my family. The funny thing is that my family and I are kinda like Voltron (you'll remember this if you grew up in the 80's) in that we are all seperate and scattered but the second someone's in need of assistance we all come together to form something that is simply inconquerable. I would like to have a better relationship with everyone, but hey this is what works.


I feel that my short temper is returning. I like that. I need to "be on edge", my life goes much smoother. A little pain/anger keeps you striving. I feel like the second you get too happy, you stop trying. I'm never content. I know what I'm capable of so with that being said I'm not happy with anything short of excellence. If not going to be the best it doesn't make sense to try.

This was the first Christmas that I've ever spent alone. My dog spent the better part of the day sleeping. My "best man" spent the better part of his day with his girlfriend. I'm alright though. I needed this day to finally adjust from depending on others for ANYTHING to depending on myself.

Prior to my moving to Texas, my personality was exactly the same as it is becoming once again. For the better part of the 15 months I'd grown to be rather pussified. That doesn't work for me. Anger and frustration fuel me.

Resolutions before the New Year

1) Fuck you. I'm not only smarter than you but I'm also GOING TO BE STRONGER AND IN BETTER SHAPE THAN YOU.
I didn't workout as hard as I would have liked to this week and almost like a slap in the face, I was called fat twice in the same day. That is definitely not what my already low self-esteem needed.

2) The same old me.
I'm not the same old competitive person that I used to be. I got into a discussion with my fiance in which she basically told me that a lot of my goals were far fetched. What kind of bullshit is that? It's cool though. I'm one that only needs the needs the support of myself be it in working towards my 10 acres and another dog, my weight lifting, or anything of that nature. I've seemingly leaned too much and now that I'm 2 inches away from falling my face I'm bringing my hands up and it's time to catch myself and do some pushups.

3) I need to start drinking more water and alcohol.
I know this seems like a self-destructive or rather illogical combination, but hey it's what worked for me in the past.

4) Work on being more independent.
I'm not saying financially but that is important as well. I'm talking about depending on others for anything whatsoever. What is all boils down to is, "All that I have is my balls and my word and I'm not breaking either one for anyone."

5) Become more competitive.
I have two goals one to be successful and two to prove you wrong. "I can't do what? O.k. well I'm going to prove to you that I can and afterwards you can suck on my nuts, you stupid bastard."

6) Being nice doesn't work.
In a nutshell, being nice doesn't work. So to hell with being nice. I'll remain respectful but to hell with the nice bullshit.

Happy New Year

The reality of what is...

The simple reality is that I'm a 26 year old man with a fiance and a dog. The simple reality is that I'm at least 4 1/2 hours away from any family members eventhough it wasn't until the storm that I was really focused on family. That's sad. For the second year I won't be able to afford any Christmas gifts but to add insult to injury this will be the first Christmas that I've ever experienced in which I will be the only human (I'll have my dog and "Ms. B's" dog) in this apartment. I don't know what else to say or what else to do.

Today was supposed to be my day off but I decided to go into work because you never know when you may need a little bit of extra money. I didn't stop running around the store, yet I can barely remember what I did. This job stresses me out, makes my hair turn grey and fall out all at the same time. I've been waiting on a phone call from someone--anyone that can help to rectify this feeling that I've been having as far as being a failure in life. All I need is the opportunity to prove myself. I've been given the opportunity and at times I wonder if I'm meant to be at Sam's Club standing in blood and chicken seasoning for an extended period of time. One could say that I'm not thankful for what I have and to this I firmly disagree. I appreciate the fact that my manager took a chance on me but I resent the fact that I was almost demoted based on nothing. As of today, the professional relationship is o.k., I am more than likely the most intelligent and reserved individual in 4763 (not saying this in a bragging manner) because as of this evening I realized that subconciously I've been compensating intellectually for what I feel that I lack physically. "I may be fatter than you but I'm also smarter than you."

It's crazy, when I sat at the computer this evening I had ever intention on looking for a job due to the fact that "locks" that I've have seemingly broken leaving doing something in which I'm unappreciated, underpaid, and overlooked.

Oh well, once again I'm drawn to the thoughts in which I should be appreciative for what I have and I am indeed appreciatived, but true to form I just want more. I don't want to be broke for Christmas. If I could afford to do everything for everybody I'd be great.

February 17 is quickly approaching. The problems lie wherein I am unable to afford a lot of stuff that goes along with "the big day."

I have a lot to do.

Good night and good luck.

Misrepresentation in the name of consideration.

Now anyone that knows me knows that I am a car freak. I love cars. I love trucks. I love to drive. However, this note will not be about my love for cars but rather the amount of disdain that I have for one of my favorite car companies and its main competitor. In the past few months, I've set one of my goals for next year as buying a Mercedes Benz CLS and eventually work my way up to a BMW 7-Series. BMW being one of my favorite car manufacturers on the planet greatly upset me when I was listening to the radio and a BMW commercial came on. The commercial consisted mainly of neo-soul music (once again anyone who knows me knows that I hate that distinction, there is nothing new about soul). This bothered not only because I'm not a really big "neo-soul" fan, but because this commercial was directed straight at black folk. Onto the next commercial. Once again, on the same station a commercial came on, but this time it was for the Mercedes Benz C230 (an entry-level Benz), this commercial consisted of an updated version of the Jeffersons' theme song, "Movin' on up." It was almost chiding come on little negro, "move on up" from your piece of crap Cutlass, Monte Carlo, or Regal (I'm from the New Orleans area, you may not understand) to the cheapest Benz you can buy.

It's almost as though complaints are issued to major companies about there not being any "color" in their ads and then they overdo it by adding nothing more than stereotypes, i.e., any Church's commercial with the hip-hop music in the backgroud. My father loves Church's but only listens to Blues and talk radio. Is this commercial directed at him?

Why is it that people are angered by a "lack of consideration", but not by misrepresentation? If you have 200 commercials showing a white man and family in a 750Li, there will be an uproar from the black community, but all BMW has to do is shoot one commercial showing a black man with a baseball cap on, a "7" with 22's, and tint and all is right with the world. That's that bullshit. Oh well, there's always Audi.

Forgotten

I just have one question, "Why does God seemingly hate me?" A lack of success can make a person have more faith, but for those who have faith and still lack success it doesn't create more faith, it destroys it. I have no idea what to do. I would like to live MY LIFE, not what other people want. I can dress myself, not necessarily the way I want. I get into a truck that I settled for, leave an apartment that I settled for, in a city that I settled for, and drive to a job that I settled for. No one understands. I'm so damn tired of people saying, "I understand what you're going through." No you don't. At times, I'm just tempted to get in my truck with my dog, empty my bank account, that's right all $5, and disappear somewhere in this country. I'd leave my cellphone and just go. That would be something that I wanted to do...finally. Other days, I ponder on whether or not I should take the "ho way" out and use my .45. It would make things a lot easier but also a lot messier. Not to mention, no one would be around to take care of my dog. I know that is a harsh statement, but I feel like I'm more of a draining factor on individuals than a positive. I feel like my dog is the only that can't say TOO MUCH negative about me. My parents, "He's a good son, but we're sick of giving him money. He's essentially a failure." My sisters, "He's a decent brother and missing uncle, that doesn't have two pennies to rub together. He's essentially a failure." My dog, "He's a pretty cool human, but I really wish I had a yard. Running up and down the hallway doesn't get it. He's essentially a failure." My fiance, "He's nice. He's funny. I'm tired of having to pay for stuff. I'm tired of things not being 50/50. I always have to come up off more, I guess that's because I have more. I'm engaged to a failure." The way I feel is, the second I look back towards the sky for guidance, support, something, I'll probably get some bird crap in my eye. This isn't cursing God. You can't really curse someone that has seemingly forgotten about you.

Wait

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...and wait. There are so many things I would like to do in my life, but this is based on my own pressure, not any outside forces but they do contribute in their own ways. I'm sitting on the edge of a galaxy looking at a star collapsing into itself to produce a black hole. I'm watching, I'm waiting on something great to happen. For the past 3 years I've been waiting on something great to happen so here I sit, still waiting. I hurried to get to college. I hurried through college (not doing the 3 year thing, but at an accelerated pace none the less). So here I wait. I'm watching, waiting, anticipating. Nothing is happening.